Turning Thirty

It feels like I’ve really become an adult.

Which is also why I feel like I have lost a little something by crossing over into 30 – a little of my dreamy self or of the part of me that felt I could do everything. It is as though there is an awakening to my limitations, and in order to keep my head above the water with the many ‘adult’ responsibilities that I have, I need to set more boundaries.

‘No’ to hanging out late at night with friends and for impromptu suppers.

‘No’ to just buying a flight and flying off the following week (yes, I know some who just fly off the following day).

‘No’ to just spending on a whim for that fancy gadget that I will have no use for in a few months’ time.

‘No’ to packing my schedule to the brim.

‘No’ to the things that I would have done in my early and mid-twenties, because I draw more and more lines around myself to protect me – to protect my independence, my pride and my comforts.

Funnily, as I get tossed into this new decade of my life, I find that God has orchestrated major life transitions to shake up the fallow ground. Having a baby is a life lesson of trusting God each day. Moving church is a life lesson of seeking Him for direction. Getting used to a new career is a life lesson of asking Him for guidance.

It is as though God is telling me that the commitments that I made in the previous decade of my life were for that season, and a good chapter done. Now to move on into a different season which required removing creature comforts, to start tilling the land again and planting new seed so that I can to reap a new harvest that is to come.

I miss the freedom of my twenties, but as I move into my thirties, I claim in faith that God is the one who will make a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (Isaiah 43:18-20), knowing that as J and I build our family and seek to serve Him, that ‘The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,’ says the LORD Almighty. ‘And in this place I will grant peace,’ declares the LORD Almighty.” (Haggai 2:9).

And so begins ‘Thirty’ – a season to plough, to grow again and bear new fruit.

 

 

 

2018: Word of the Year

Unexpected.

Looking back, 2018 seemed like another good year beginning with the news that J and I were expecting our first little munchkin. J and my careers seemed headed somewhere, with me moving into a different organisation and getting a promotion; and J being well-appraised at his current job. At church, we were kickstarting the youth ministry, learning new things as we went along with it, but most joyously – building new friendships as we went along.

The photo I sent J over Telegram the moment I found out the good news. Only on the third test that I took in that week, did I find out that I was pregnant.

 

Merriam-Webster’s word of the year: Justice / Oxford’s word of the year: Toxic

Some time in July though, the monster reared its ugly head.

Friendships we once knew were overturned in a few texts and while we pursued justice in standing up for what was right, we became the targets within the community we once loved.

Betrayal. Isolation. Heartbroken. Exit.

For the last 6 months in 2018, we raged, cried, fought and challenged but finally decided that we could never be one of those who flowed with the current or swept things under the carpet. Believing that God had plans for us elsewhere, we left (reluctantly).

Some things just had to be done without compromise.

 

Miracle

A miracle is simply an answered prayer, be it big things or small things because in life events can always go in the opposite direction that we want it to. But that it went in the way that we hoped it would, is a miracle.

Pregnancies can have many complications. It is a miracle that mine went so smoothly.

Pregnant women can experience many physical discomforts. It is a miracle that I only had to contend with swollen feet.

Some births had to be induced. It is a miracle that labour came spontaneously (especially when we had thought that we might have to be induced if baby did not arrive by week 40), and that I did not need any intervention (beyond an epidural).

 

Growth 

Growth is not linear. It is circular: you learn and relearn. It is undoing: you unlearn old things to learn new ones. It is struggle: you never do it perfectly the first time.

I took on two new jobs this year: the first – instead of being a teacher, I moved to being behind education policies for children with special needs; the second – being a mom.

Both demanded that I put on new perspectives, acquired new skills, and changed my attitudes. Both revealed latent biases, undid my ideals and left me feeling like a fish out of the water.

It is not easy to break out of the cocoon of comfort and familiarity. But it is what growth is – finding out the beauty of fluttering newfound wings after the struggle.

Some things need to follow its course.

 

Surrender

I really do not know what 2019 would hold – new routines, new responsibilities, new communities. The uncertainty can be unnerving. Yet, I ask not for an easier year or one with more successes, but for divine surprises, grace to overcome, miracles in the everyday and growth by the end of the year.

By the end of nearly every year, I remember to surrender – to give up myself, give in to His will and give of what He has given to me.

Some things do not change.